Letter to Mr. Johnathon Walker

Firstly, this post isn't late - the world is just spinning a little faster than usual at the moment... This also means two posts will be released on the same day, because although I started this post on time, finishing only occurred on Wednesday when I got enough time to do so and start the next post ;)

Dear Mr. Johnathon Walker (an Open Letter to those who drink),

Firstly, let me wish you health and happiness in your travels, for I know last we met you were short on such luck. I was the fortunate soul whom your limbs were entrusted to while your mind decided to go for a bit of a wander. Unfortunately, you left behind your stomach and we were thus treated to a fireworks display. Relax, we've all been in this situation (myself included), and it's something most of us will grow out of.

I wish to make a few requests for the next time we meet, so that our fun times may continue in this little cycle of ours, and so that next time my washing will be made all the easier.

Firstly, I am not a tall guy - 5'7". I am also not the most muscular person in the world. For these reasons, I would most appreciate it that if you decide to become unconscious or, for whatever reason, are unable to walk even with assistance - please do so on the ground floor of whatever establishment we may be inside. Better still, do so outside, next to the car park (NEXT to, not ON or IN) while wearing warm clothes if it's cold and the brighter (and more reflective) the better. Not too long back you decided to make your resting place in the basement with only one entry (a damn narrow and steep flight of stairs) and given your girth I'm sure you appreciated the effort I was forced to make in your extrication. My back was fine after some rest, thank you for inquiring.

Secondly, please try to be conscious enough for me to be able to ask some simple questions and for you to understand and provide some simple answers. You don't need to tell me you're not (or are, in some cases) an alcoholic, as we have already established this prior to our arrival. Honest. Another thing I would appreciate in these early stages is that, should I require to, I may need to inflict a little bit of pain to rouse you. Please don't swing at me, because nine times out of ten my co-ordination is slightly better than yours and it makes you look slightly silly. That other one time... Wait until we get to the 'Finally' paragraph.

If you feel the urge to undertake the act of emesis, please do so in the bags provided. This may come as some shock, but my shoes are not in fact emesis bags. Nor are my overalls. For the love of all things holy, if I'm in my black and whites, these are certainly not to be utilised. Once you have completed your act, just hold onto the bag unless it's full. I'm sure it'll come in handy before too long.

Emesis bags are not to be thrown at me should you decide you no longer would appreciate my assistance. A simple thank you and nod of the head would suffice.

Finally, we may very well become good friends, repeating our adventures on a regular basis. For this reason, be nice to me (and ask your friends to do the same!) - for although I will do what I need to do to make your health improve, your comfort might just be slightly increased if I know you're an ok person.

Wishing you well in this drinking season of (insert any time of year here),

KT