What is wrong with you?

Sometimes we get cases that we just know are wasting our time.

It might be that you can still move the fingers you just 'dislocated', that the throwing up has nothing to do with the eight bottles of beer you just finished and must be due to internal bleeding (despite the lack of blood) and your obvious soberness. It might even be that you've just 'fainted'.

It's a funny thing, fainting. You see, we have these little things called oropharyngeal airways, which for unconscious patients just slide right in. Fits like a glove (providing of course you use the right size oropharyngeal airway). Unless of course you are (and of course you are not) faking - in which case you will gag and cough up the airway the second it's in - a natural and almost invariably an irrepressible response. Oh, we know what's going on now - but we have to play along with your little game because there's not much else we can do. This seems to be a popular activity for teeny-boppers when that young boy comes out on stage wearing almost more make up than said 'boppers...

But then there's the other cases, where the patient is just plain stupid. They profess that they wish to become a neurosurgeon (despite a distinct hate of all and any education establishments) so that they can perform brain surgery on themselves. I'm not making this up, I've had someone tell me this. And then there was a youth with severe stomach cramps after a two week binge on junk food and alcohol...

While the last two examples had patients who were there for genuine reasons (the first was there for reasons other than brain surgery), you still feel like your wasting your time - that Darwin determined long ago they should be left to nature. Of course we still treat them like any other patient who comes for help - but its these patients who treat that little bit faster so as to get them out the door, away so they cannot accost your ear drums with their taint. You feel that little stupor that comes with not using your brain for an extended period of time after dealing with these patients, and I at least get a little angry (but of course don't show it!) at their sheer ignorance of what the world is really like.

I like to think I treat all patients equally, but even I must admit I get on better and do that little bit extra for the patients you think are really worth treating - worth our time.